


Cryptobusters s4e1: Mothman

by mikawritesthings



Series: Cryptostuck [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, F/F, Humanstuck, Mothman, cryptid, cryptid hunter au, cryptostuck, i have no idea how to use this site please be nice, rosemary, the beta kids run a shitty cryptid hunting youtube series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-06-27 14:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 6,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15686949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikawritesthings/pseuds/mikawritesthings
Summary: The beta kids run a shitty cryptid hunting show that...somehow got popular. In this episode, they're hunting for Mothman, and they might wind up getting more than they bargained for.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time ever posting fanfic here, so go easy on me! Also, if things go right, this will be part of an expanded AU, so y'all can look forward to that *wonk*

JOHN: hi everyone, and welcome back to another season of crypto busters!

DAVE: damn it feels good to be back

ROSE: Let’s pick up where we left off, shall we?

DAVE: the mystery were investigating this week is a doozy

DAVE: you dear viewers out there were beggin for it like oliver twist

JOHN: dave, you can’t say that. it sounds dirty.

DAVE: no offense john my man but everything sounds dirty to your feeble little ears

JADE: not just the viewers. i’ve been trying to get you guys to do this episode since day one!

JADE: but noooooo, you said it was “not obscure enough” so we “had to wait to do it.” pish tosh! i’m still waiting for us to do bigfoot!

ROSE: Jade, we love you, but suspense and subtlety have never been your forte.

DAVE: anyway though i am loath to say it lets cut the usual friendly banter and get right to the good part

JOHN: this week is all about the infamous moth man!

[Cut to a neatly put-together slideshow of illustrations, blurry photos, and merchandise depicting Mothman.]

ROSE, VOICEOVER: Mothman, often considered the famous cryptid in all of West Virginia, is shrouded in myth and controversy.

ROSE: It has typically been described as a humanoid, bird-like figure with enormous wings and glowing red eyes. Some statuary also depicts it with an excellent ass. However, in the town of Trappist, West Virginia, locals tell a different story.

[We see a single blurry photograph of an enormous moth-like creature standing on two legs. Alongside it is an illustration that looks like the artist was trying their hardest to get a better picture of the photographed creature than the photographer did. They failed.]

ROSE: In 2009, a woman who declines to be named claims she saw a giant, luminescent moth walking outside her window. She says that the alleged Mothman flew away the moment she saw it, but stayed long enough for her to take this photograph.

[Cut back to the Cryptobusters, bantering about the Mothman photo.]

JOHN: now, that just looks like she took a picture of a moth that was hanging on her window.

DAVE: i applaud your ability to actually fuckin tell what that looks like

DAVE: because all i can see is a white streak and two red dots

ROSE: It’s as though Mothman itself is amorphous.

JADE: this happens every single time. either the camera sucks or the picture sucks.

JOHN: yeah, it’s awfully convenient that every time a cryptid is caught on camera, the picture ends up really blurry.

DAVE: its a fear response john

DAVE: if you saw a giant walking moth dont tell me your hands wouldnt be trembling in fear of the unknown

ROSE: Or fear that the moth would destroy your azaleas.

JADE: or fear that the moth would attack your windows.

DAVE: what im saying is fearful trembling hands dont make for very good photographic evidence

JOHN: excuses, excuses. this is the modern age, dave! cryptids are in the public eye!

JOHN: they’re not that scary anymore! if i saw big foot, i’d just be, like, booing!

ROSE: You would boo Bigfoot?

JOHN: like, “everyone knows about you, big foot! you’ve become blase!”

DAVE: yeah bigfoot get a real fuckin job

JOHN: also, fear of the unknown is very easily remedied.

JOHN: did the ghost busters shake in fear?

JOHN: no! they went out and analyzed spectral phenomena and busted themselves some ghosts!

JADE: is everything ghostbusters to you?

JOHN: yes.

ROSE: With that, let’s get into the firsthand accounts.

[Cut to an interview with Dirk Strider, a local Starbucks employee. Dirk is a tall, wiry twenty-something with spiked blond hair and an acne-scarred face. He accessorizes the typical Starbucks apron with triangular anime sunglasses. Clearly, no one at this location has reprimanded him for this violation of dress code. That, or he doesn’t care.]

DIRK: I’ve never seen her, but I’ve seen vats of simple syrup disappear from under my nose. Right as I was opening up, too.

JADE, INTERVIEWING: hold on. why do you refer to mothman as “her?”

DIRK: Because when people bring up eyewitness accounts of Mothman’s shapely ass, I feel nothing.

DIRK: Not that I want to have sex with cryptids.

DIRK: …

DIRK: What was I saying?

[Cut to a different interview, this one with a local student, Karkat Vantas. Karkat is short and vaguely squarish in build, wearing a black sweater emblazoned with the symbol for the zodiac sign Cancer. Knowing Karkat, this is most likely because the symbol resembles a giant 69, and not because he himself is a Cancer.]

JADE: karkat, you’ve weighed in on lots of different topics here before. what are your thoughts on mothman?

KARKAT: I KNOW THERE ARE A LOT OF LEGENDS THAT ARE WEIRDER THAN MOTHMAN, BUT I’M SKEPTICAL OF ITS EXISTENCE.

KARKAT: I MEAN, SOME ACCOUNTS DESCRIBE IT AS A BIRD WITH A SHAPELY ASS. OTHERS DESCRIBE IT AS A HUMANOID MOTH. THAT’S WILDLY INCONSISTENT.

ROSE, OFF CAMERA: Are you critiquing urban legend?

ROSE: Because it’s not an exact science. It is an art. An art that I have devoted myself to pursuing the mastery of.

ROSE: Do you wish to engage in a battle of wits, Karkat? Science versus art?

KARKAT: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

[DIRECTOR’S NOTE: The rest of this interview was cut, due to the fact that it ended in an argument that lasted nearly 3 hours.]

[Cut to a shaky first-person view of Jade walking down a sidewalk in the town of Trappist, West Virginia. In the distance, a fearsome statue of Mothman, depicting it as a hulking humanoid, can be seen.]

VOICE: :33< hi jade

[The camera turns to reveal the owner of the voice, Nepeta Leijon, who is standing on the sidewalk handing out pamphlets. Nepeta is petite, wearing a bright blue beanie with cat ears and a green T-shirt that reads SAVE THE FELINES. She has a resting smirk on her face.]

JADE: hi nepeta! um, i’m a little busy at the moment--

NEPETA: :33< i heard mew were filming an episode about meowthman

JADE: like the...like the pokemon?

NEPETA: :33< mothman silly

JADE: oh. how’d you know that?

NEPETA: :33< i have my ways

NEPETA: :33< the important thing is, i’ve s33n it

JADE: really?? would you mind coming in for an interview?

[Nepeta offers a pamphlet to Jade.]

NEPETA: :33< would mew mind taking a pamphlet about saving the big cats

JADE: charismatic megafauna conservation is a dog-and-pony show that diverts funding from more vital conservation efforts.

JADE: so, no thank you.

[Nepeta pushes it further towards Jade.]

NEPETA: :33< yes thank mew

[There is a long pause before Jade takes the pamphlet. We then cut to an interview with Nepeta.]

NEPETA: :33< i saw meowthman a few w33ks ago

NEPETA: :33< i was hiking in monongahela national forest when i saw this big glowy human-looking thing

NEPETA: :33< i thought it was a person so i called out to it

NEPETA: :33< but then it turned around and *woosh* flew away

ROSE: You thought a glowing humanoid figure was a person?

NEPETA: :33< sometimes people glow

[DIRECTOR’S NOTE: Nepeta refused to elaborate on this statement.]

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major props to Buzzfeed Unsolved for being the only paranormal investigation show I can stand watching, and therefore carrying this entire fic. Also John has no sense of time whatsoever

[We see a shot of the interior of the Cryptobusters’ car, seemingly being filmed by Jade. The seats and floor are strewn with food wrappers and empty containers of various drinks. Clearly, the cast is in this ride for the long haul. Outside the windows is complete darkness, save for the gravel road ahead, illuminated by the car’s headlights. John is driving, but he looks rather bored.]

JADE, OFF-CAMERA: it’s, uh, 10:25 pm. we’re in the depths of the monongahela national forest. everyone’s really tired, but we’re almost to the trail where a mothman sighting was most recently reported!

[Dave, riding shotgun, turns around.]

DAVE: im not tired at all jade

DAVE: at this point im running on pure adrenaline

DAVE: and sugar from all the apple juice i drank

DAVE: oh shit i gotta pee

JOHN: that’s also apple juice.

DAVE: youll never let me forget that one will you   


DAVE: my bladder is doing horrible things johnathan

JOHN: seriously? we were at the gas station, like, ten minutes ago!

DAVE: john that was half an hour ago

JOHN: oh. oh yeah.

[The car comes to a stop, and Dave exits.]

ROSE: As long as Dave is answering Mother Nature’s call, I might as well do so myself.

JOHN: okay, just don’t take too long.

[Rose exits as well.]

JADE: john, is it just me, or is this like the plot to every scooby-doo episode in existence?

JOHN: what, do you think moth man is gonna turn out to be old man jenkins or something?

JOHN: old man jenkins in a fur suit? hey, that’s an idea for a fur sona! moth man!

JADE: no, listen. in scooby-doo, they always split up. that’s when the monster, even if it is old man jenkins or whatever, comes out and attacks them!

JOHN: i mean, that is also a trope in horror movies. but moth man doesn’t attack people, so that wouldn’t exactly be scary enough to--

[A faint buzzing sound can be heard in the distance. John looks over his shoulder.]

JOHN: what was that? a lawn mower?

JADE: why would someone be mowing their lawn in the middle of the woods??? at 11 pm???

[The buzzing sound grows louder, and closer.]

JOHN: okay, well, it’s not a lawn mower. maybe it’s a--

JADE: john, look!!!

[Through the front windshield, we can see a human figure, its color washed out by the blinding headlights. There is a loud yelp, and the footage blurs slightly, but when it straightens out we can see the figure is Dave.]

DAVE: dude what the fuck

DAVE: you scared the bejesus out of me

JOHN: sorry, just nerves.

[ Dave re-enters the car. There is a pause.]

JADE: shouldn’t rose be back by now?

DAVE: i get the feeling she had to ah

DAVE: do more than just number one

[Another pause.]

DAVE: so at what point do we lose our fucking minds with worry and call a ranger

DAVE: or are we idiotic enough to look for her ourselves and probably get mauled by a bear


	3. Hey Gang, Let's Split Up!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry updates have been so sporadic. Summer is ending, so I'm trying to juggle a bunch of different things at once.

[At this point, there are two different sets of footage that were presumably filmed at the same time: one from Rose’s camera and one from Jade’s camera. Rose’s footage starts with a dimly lit shot of the thick vegetation around her.]

ROSE: It seems, dear viewer, that in my effort to find a private place to relieve myself, I have become quite lost.

ROSE: I will make the best attempt to use what little wilderness survival knowledge I learned during my two-week stint as a Girl Scout all those years ago.

ROSE: Should this knowledge fail, my only dying wish is that absolutely none of my possessions are to be given to my brothers.

[Rose begins walking.]

ROSE: And should it succeed, my living wish is that Dave never hears that last part.

[Rose continues walking, remaining silent for a long while. As she moves, we can hear ambient noise from the surrounding forest. The din of spring peepers and crickets combines to create a static-like backdrop for the steady tread of Rose’s combat boots. It is quite peaceful--until, for a second, the noise stops.]

ROSE: Either I’m beginning to go deaf, or the woods just went quiet.

[As if all surrounding crickets and peepers heard Rose’s statement, the noise starts again.]

ROSE: Even so, I must continue onward. Were strange phenomena not what I signed up for when I became a paranormal investigator?

ROSE: I certainly did not sign up to be lost in Monongahela National Forest. Or to subsequently be mauled by a bear.

ROSE: Or to slowly starve to death.

ROSE: Or to eke out a new life as a forest dweller, living off meat I’ve hunted and killed myself, until one day I no longer remember that I was once Rose Lalonde.

ROSE: I’m distracting myself.

[Rose continues walking in silence for another long while, until a very faint light can be seen through a gap in the trees.]

ROSE: Is this the car?

[The light turns red, and then disappears.]

ROSE: Clearly not.

ROSE: This leaves me with a quandary, dear viewers. Do I attend to my duty towards myself, and continue my search for civilization?

ROSE: Or do I attend to my duty as a paranormal investigator, and pursue the source of this light, which may not even be paranormal at all?

[A long pause, then Rose takes off after the light.]


	4. Rescue Missions (For Dummies)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who you gonna call? Hopefully not the Cryptobusters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This particular dynamic was really fun to write. I just let their personalities bounce off each other.

[The footage from Jade’s camera picks up a few minutes after it leaves off. Dave, Rose, and Jade have formed an impromptu search party, armed with flashlights, cameras, and not much else.]

JADE: rose!!!!!!

JOHN: roooooooosssssssse!

DAVE: rose if we dont find you i get to keep your ds

JOHN: what?

DAVE: that worked all the time when we were kids

JADE: dave, that’s not gonna work now...rose!!!!!

[The team walks onward for a few minutes, continuing to call Rose’s name. Eventually, Dave stops.]

JOHN: i don’t understand, dave. how are you so calm?

DAVE: you havent seen rose in this kind of situation

DAVE: i saw her take fork and knife to a guy twice her size when she was nine

DAVE: that was the last time mom hired a clown for any of our birthday parties

JADE: i knew rose didn’t like clowns, but i didn’t know she hated clowns that early in her life.

DAVE: ive also seen her camp out in the woods behind our house for a week straight just to prove that she could

JADE: but who said she couldn’t? was it dirk?

DAVE: it was dirk

DAVE: point is if any of us are about to find mothman tonight itll be her

[The sound of something crashing through the underbrush can be heard in the distance.]

JADE: was that rose or a bear?

DAVE: no clue

DAVE: i cant see a goddamn thing even with this fuckin miltary grade flashlight

DAVE: actually now that i think about it

DAVE: in our attempt to find rose we might have gotten ourselves at least a little bit lost

JOHN: aw jeez. you were right, jade. this is just like in scooby doo. or horror movies.

JADE: now isn’t the time to say that, though! what if we do get mauled by a bear? or whatever that was?

JOHN: i think you’re supposed to repel bears by yelling.

JOHN: rose! i really hope that was you and not a bear!

JADE: rose! mothman! anybody! hello!!!!!!

[A crunching sound echoes from behind Jade. She turns the camera around, only to find Dave squatting on the forest floor, as though he is picking something up.]

DAVE: i dont mean to add to the general heebie jeebies in the atmosphere

DAVE: but i just stepped on what looks like an empty can of yerba mate

JOHN: man, i hate it when people litter!

DAVE: here’s the thing though

DAVE: there are absolutely no trails nearby

DAVE: or signs of recent bushwhacking besides our own

DAVE: and the expiration date on this thing is quite a few months in the future

JADE: wait! i think i do see a trail!

[Jade’s flashlight shines on a gap in the underbrush.]

JADE: look at this. it’s not an official trail, but it’s wide enough to be man made. and it looks like it’s been walked on regularly!

JOHN: so it either leads to a real trail…

JADE: or it leads out of the woods!

DAVE: absolutely brilliant deduction everyone

DAVE: our odds at bear mauling have gone down by maybe one percent


	5. Mothman, there's no need to feel down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose makes an interesting new discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to @nausicaaharris on Tumblr for helping me with this chapter, especially the goofs.

[Rose’s footage resumes outside a dilapidated cabin. It looks as though, many years ago, this building once might have been rented out to tourists. Those glory days are clearly over, judging by the thick clusters of weeds on all sides. The structure is moderately sound, however--sound enough to not collapse.]

ROSE: My fortune, dear viewers, has changed. Whether for better or for worse, I cannot tell.

ROSE: Either this is a safe place to wait for sunrise…

ROSE: ...Or the residence of serial murderer Shia LaBeouf.

ROSE: Hm. Not even outdated memes are calming my nerves.

[Rose begins to walk towards the cabin when something crunches underfoot. She stops and picks up the offending object. It appears to be a crumpled aluminum can, but the label is difficult to make out.]

ROSE: Yerba mate. Mint Paradise flavor. And this can looks relatively new.

ROSE: This raises a few questions. Who was the person to whom this can belonged? And why did they dispose of it here?

[A gentle rain begins to fall.]

ROSE: I suppose that is a question for when I’m safely inside the building.

[Rose enters the cabin. The interior is too well-kept to have been completely forgotten. Various items are stacked on top of old crates: 

A collection of forks and other metal junk

Anime on video cassettes

A boxy old TV and VCR machine

A generator

A scarf apparently made of bubble-gum wrappers

A Squiddles™ plushie

Several potted succulents

Several pulp romance novels, all of which seem to have vampire themes

_ Groundhog Day  _ (1993)

Several flyers from JoAnn Fabrics (partially eaten)

Fruit salad cups

A print copy of the  _ Spelljammer  _ setting book

_ Mulan  _ (1998)

And a towering stack of identical yerba mate cans.]

ROSE: I’ve walked from the threat of dying at the paws of a bear to the possible threat of dying at the hands of a squatter.

ROSE: Fortunately, my pocket knife is more than enough to defend myself from the latter.

[Rose sits down near the stack of vampire novels, and examines the one on top. The cover features a typical bodice-buster image, with a handsome, beefy vampire feeding on a swooning human woman. The vampire’s face is drawn over with cartoonish golden eyes and a tiny V-shaped mouth, and their head now has an impressive pair of antennae.]

ROSE: Well, dear viewers, I think I know who the occupant of this cabin is.

ROSE: The next step is simply to wait for them to arrive.

[She carefully places the book back where she found it.]


	6. Rescue Mission Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The other 3 Cryptobusters reflect on their team dynamic as they continue their search for Rose. And also Mothman, that'd be pretty cool too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the hiatus! School has been kicking my butt lately, but I'm back!

[Jade’s footage resumes about half an hour after the last piece ends. The unofficial trail she, Dave, and John started on ends at an ancient, forgotten gravel road. Weeds and grasses are growing in the center of the road, high enough to block any attempts to travel on this road by car.]

JOHN: so...which way from here?

DAVE: lets think in terms of what rose would do

DAVE: shed be at this intersection saying somethin like

DAVE: “This is quite the fucking dilemma.”

JOHN: holy shit, dave, how’d you imitate her voice so well?

DAVE: my vocal range is nigh operatically flexible

JOHN: you should’ve been in drama club! you could’ve played, like a million different parts!

DAVE: putting myself in the shoes of nonexistent people is one thing

DAVE: thinking like my sister however is a complete and utter breeze

DAVE: like category 5 hurricane levels of breeze

JOHN: i dunno, i don’t think rose would word it like that. more like,

JOHN: “I have found myself facing quite the dilemma.”

DAVE: that was a valiant attempt at a rose impression but you sounded like a fully grown man trying his best to mimic a pubescent teenage boy

DAVE: in other words completely off the mark

[While the boys are talking back and forth, Jade walks a few yards down the road and squats at one side. Hidden behind a cluster of weeds is a rotting signpost that reads CABINS, with an arrow pointing left.]

JADE: guys! i found something!

[Dave and John turn to look at Jade. She points at the sign, and the boys come running over.]

JOHN: you think rose went to those cabins?

DAVE: i for one am completely sure

DAVE: rose has more raw survival instinct and sheer chutzpah than the three of us combined

DAVE: or at least myself and john combined

JADE: are you saying i’ve got as much chutzpah as rose does?

JOHN: well, you’re not at the same level as rose, but you’re basically carrying our entire team right now.

JADE: just like every time we play overwatch.

[The Cryptobusters begin walking in the direction of the cabins. They remain silent for a while, until Jade pipes up.]

JADE: you know, guys, i have a hunch.

JADE: dave, you said earlier that rose is the most likely of us to find mothman, right?

DAVE: are you thinking what i think youre thinking

JOHN: i think she’s thinking what you think she’s...wait, i lost ya.

JADE: what if rose already found it?

[A pause.]

DAVE: if mothman turns out to be real im pretty sure john here will immediately go into cardiac arrest

JOHN: what? no way! if moth man is real, i’ll keep a cool, professional demeanor like any cryptid hunter worth his salt!

DAVE: i wouldnt be so sure

DAVE: remember goatman john

[Jade can be heard snickering in the background. John opens his mouth as if to give a comeback, then closes it.]

[In the distance, a lawnmower-like buzzing sound, similar to the one heard before, comes from further down the path.]

JOHN: there’s that sound again! what is that?

[Jade begins running.]

JADE: a lead!


	7. I Guess This Is Happening Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose finds what she was looking for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here you go.

[Rose’s footage picks back up again an hour later. The camera is completely still, seemingly having been dropped on the ground. Not much is visible, except for her hand, which has a loose hold on one of the vampire romance novels. Suddenly, the same buzzing sound that the other Cryptobusters heard comes from directly outside the door. A faint white light creeps in through the windows, and the camera jerks upward as Rose suddenly sits up.]

ROSE: Who’s there?

[Rose draws her pocket knife. The camera sweeps back and forth as she scans her surroundings. In the split second the camera is pointed away from the door, it creaks open.]

VOICE, OFF-CAMERA: What Are You Doing In My House

[Rose immediately whirls back around to face the door, and the footage goes extremely blurry for about a second. There is a grunt, and the camera almost stabilizes on what looks like a large, luminescent moth, before it goes flying and lands on the stack of yerba mate cans, bringing them crashing down.]

VOICE: Oh Darn I Worked On That For 2 Days

VOICE: I Would Like It If You Stopped Destroying My Possessions

[A breathy pause.]

ROSE: So you’re not going to drain the blood from my lifeless corpse?

VOICE: What

ROSE: Or devour my flesh like unguarded fabric?

VOICE: Um

ROSE: Or hollow me out and use me as a human egg sac?

VOICE: Im A Moth Not A Wasp

ROSE: I’m only making sure.

VOICE: So Now That Thats Cleared Up

VOICE: You Still Havent Told Me What Youre Doing In My House

ROSE: To put it simply, I’m a paranormal investigator.

ROSE: I was separated from my teammates during our field research this evening, and decided to seek shelter in this cabin.

ROSE: And from the looks of the interior, I determined that waiting here was the surest way to find our target.

VOICE: Well No One Else Lives Here

ROSE: I meant you. The target is you.

[A pause.]

MOTHMAN: Fuck


	8. Talking To Mothman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose conducts an impromptu interview with Mothman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People in the comments seemed excited to see this next chapter, so I'm uploading it early!

[Rose’s footage resumes once again. The camera seems to have been set on one of the crates. We can see a faintly glowing, heavyset humanoid creature sitting on the floor, its four insect-like arms folded across its chest. It has unmistakably moth-like features, from its feathery antennae (one of which is bent slightly), to its wide yellow eyes, to the huge amounts of fluff covering its limbs and torso. The only similarity it bears to folkloric depictions of Mothman are its enormous wings. While the statue of Mothman in Trappist may be a ferocious monster, this creature has a friendly, almost endearing aura.]

ROSE: So, are you the being that folklore knows as Mothman?

MOTHMAN: I Guess So

MOTHMAN: But I Dont Appreciate The Nickname

MOTHMAN: Im A Woman Not A Man

ROSE: Then what would you like me to call you?

MOTHMAN: My Name Is Kanaya

[Rose takes a tiny notepad out of her pocket and writes something on it.]

ROSE: Are there other members of your species?

KANAYA: Im Pretty Sure

KANAYA: But Were Mostly Solitary

ROSE: You said you were “pretty sure.” Does that mean you’ve never come into contact with other moth-people?

KANAYA: Not Really

KANAYA: I Hatched From An Egg And Just Sort Of Went Off To Do My Own Thing

KANAYA: I Think Im A Bit Of A Hermit That Way

KANAYA: But I Do Have Friends

ROSE: Who exactly are those friends?

[A short pause.]

KANAYA: There Is A Nice Boy Who Comes To This Area Sometimes

KANAYA: He Shouts Quite A Lot And Brings Me Lots Of Vampire Novels

KANAYA: But Now That I Think About It He Might Be Giving Those Gifts Out Of Fear

[Another pause.]

KANAYA: Yes Definitely Out Of Fear

ROSE: You sound like you’re aware of your status as a cryptid.

KANAYA: Whats A Cryptid

ROSE: Essentially, a cryptid is a creature whose documentation lies primarily in urban legend. For example, Sasquatch is a cryptid.

KANAYA: All I Know Is That People Call Me Mothman And Also Get Overly Excited When They See Me

KANAYA: But You Seem Very Calm Which Is A Rather Nice Change

ROSE: I try to keep a professional demeanor.

ROSE: What about your day-to-day life?

KANAYA: Most Of The Time I Like To Hunt For Field Mice And Sugary Beverages

KANAYA: But Sometimes I Just Sit And Soak Up The Sunlight

KANAYA: Or Moonlight

ROSE: And the vampire novels?

KANAYA: Vampires Are My Favorite Part Of Human Culture

KANAYA: Im Not Really Sure Why Drinking Blood Is So Enjoyable But It Does Sound Romantic

[Rose is silent for a beat, as if hesitating to tell Kanaya that vampires aren’t real.]

KANAYA: Speaking Of Which

KANAYA: When You Mentioned Draining Blood From Corpses

KANAYA: Was That Flirting

ROSE: That was me being facetious.

[Kanaya looks a little bit disappointed, or at least as disappointed as a moth creature can look.]

KANAYA: Oh

KANAYA: I Dont Even Know How To Drink Blood

ROSE: I didn’t assume as much.

KANAYA: Can I Ask You A Question

ROSE: Go ahead.

KANAYA: Do You Want To Maybe Come Back To Visit Sometime

KANAYA: Without All The Cameras

KANAYA: We Can Watch Mulan

KANAYA: Or Something

ROSE: Do you mean...as friends?

KANAYA: I Was Thinking More Like

[A long, painfully bashful pause.]

KANAYA: A Date

[Rose is about to say something, when a commotion comes from outside. It sounds like several human voices debating something. Kanaya rises to open the door.]

KANAYA, TO EXTERIOR: Excuse Me I Am Very Busy Here

[A loud yelp, and what sounds like a muffled voice saying “holy shit.”]


	9. Rescue Mission: The Unnecessary Sequel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Cryptobusters reunite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually paced myself with the upload date this time, maybe unwisely.

[Jade’s footage picks up when we can only assume is a few minutes before the recent events from Rose’s perspective. The remaining Cryptobusters are walking towards the cabin area.]

JOHN: i mean, the ghost busters reboot was okay, but i just thought a lot of the jokes fell flat.

JADE: not every reboot has to be the exact original but with better special effects!!! remember when we all first saw it, and you were complaining about how it wasn’t anything like the original?

JOHN: the spirit just wasn’t there! the ghosts weren’t as busted!

DAVE: as a standalone movie it was good but the thing is

DAVE: reboots should not be as huge a phenomenon as they are in this era of hollywood movies

DAVE: everything in theatres recently is either marvel or a reboot of some mediocre 80s franchise that should have dropped dead when the credits rolled

DAVE: its all money and the money is in the slowly receding pond of gen x childhood fantasy bullshit that we call nostalgia

JADE: hey, look!

[Kanaya’s cabin is visible. Unlike when Rose found it, the windows are emanating an inviting, warm glow.]

DAVE: well thats somethin

JOHN: but that cabin looks abandoned. how did rose find a light in there?

JADE: are we even sure it’s rose? i’m getting major shia labeouf vibes from all of this…

DAVE: listen jade your citing of outdated memes is always welcome but we are on a rescue mission

DAVE: if we have to risk getting eaten alive by an actual cannibal in order to reunite with rose then why not take that risk

DAVE: seeing as weve already risked bear mauling

[The Cryptobusters slowly approach the cabin, and Jade discreetly peeks through one of the windows. What Jade sees isn’t visible through her camera, and she only peeks through for a second. She then squats underneath and motions the boys to follow suit.]

JOHN: what’d you see?

JADE: i saw rose, and, uh….something? someone? else?

JADE: it was kind of glowing??? i couldn’t see that well.

JOHN: maybe it was a ghosty goo. a ghoul. a goblin.

DAVE: this is just like goatman

JOHN: this is nothing like goat man!

DAVE: you laugh now but wait until rose comes out all possessed or some shit

JADE: ghosts or not, what’s the plan? how do we get rose?

JOHN: easy. we just walk up to the door and knock, right?

[John begins to approach the door, but Jade grabs his sleeve.]

JADE: we still haven’t identified the glowy thing! it could be dangerous

DAVE: yeah it says right there in the cryptid busting handbook that doesnt exist

DAVE: when in doubt dont knock on the door of the glowy thing because it might actually be a literal fucking demon

[The door creaks open, and a white glow spills out to illuminate the Cryptobusters.]

KANAYA: Excuse Me I Am Very Busy Here

[John yelps and stumbles backwards, to be caught by Jade. The footage starts to shake, but Dave’s voice can be heard saying “holy shit.”]


	10. Fun Times With The Actual Mothman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Cryptobusters must now confront the fact that Mothman is actually real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy heck, it's almost the end! Thanks for all your comments, they really made this experience worthwhile.

[The footage from Rose’s camera resumes shortly afterwards. The now-reunited Cryptobusters are sitting in various uncluttered spots on Kanaya’s floor. Jade is helpfully restacking the yerba mate cans. Dave is sitting next to the pile of romance novels, staring at the one he’s holding in his lap. John is wedged in next to the TV, head in hands as though he’s having an existential crisis. Rose is in her place next to the camera. The awkwardness in the air is almost palpable.]

DAVE: well gang it turns out that literal actual mothman is real

DAVE, ALMOST TO HIMSELF: and owns a shitload of vampire romance novels

KANAYA: My Name Is Kanaya

DAVE: thank you for introducing yourself kanaya

DAVE: thats question one out of about four billion answered

ROSE: If it helps, I conducted an interview with our present company earlier. I wrote most of it down, so you’ll find at least a few more answers there.

JOHN, TO HIMSELF: moth man is real. moth man is real. moth man is real. why is moth man real.

ROSE: John, you know the rest of us can hear you.

[John looks back up. His face is that of someone who can’t decide how to feel.]

JOHN: i’m having a moment. please don’t interrupt.

[John resumes his existential crisis. Jade puts her can-stacking endeavors on hold, and scans the rest of the room.]

JADE: well, if no one else is going to ask the obvious, then i’ll ask it.

JADE: kanaya, are you okay with all this?

KANAYA: With What

JADE: with being filmed? being interviewed? being a local urban myth who slowly grew to be famous nationwide?

KANAYA: Am I Really Famous

JADE: not just famous, you’re legendary!!!!

JADE: but the thing is, if this footage goes public…

ROSE: It’ll ruin the mythos?

DAVE: greedy tycoons will sink their claws into the newfound mothman craze resulting in kitschy tourist traps across the entire state that go out of business after like two years?

DAVE: wait that actually might have just been gravity falls

JOHN: nothing will happen.

[All heads in the room turn to look at John.]

JOHN: you were right, dave. this really is just like goat man.

JOHN: but when we posted that episode, the comments section was still full of skeptics. half those people thought he was a puppet!

DAVE: a puppet would have been scarier

JOHN: and jade, remember episode 1, with nanna’s ghost?

JADE: not a single true believer. except maybe dave.

JOHN: so if we post this footage, it’ll still be business as usual.

KANAYA: Then Post It

[A surprised pause.]

KANAYA: I For One Am Not Perturbed By Mere Comments

KANAYA: The Idea Of Being An Urban Legend Is Exciting

ROSE: And do you really think Grunkle Stan-like figures, if they do appear, won’t immediately become caught in miles of red tape?

JADE: kanaya, are you saying we could come to a collaboration?

JADE: the cryptid and the cryptobusters?

KANAYA: Not Just A Collaboration

KANAYA: We Could Be Friends

[John stands up.]

JOHN: then i know what we need to do.

[It is at this point that the camera’s battery dies.]


	11. Q&A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Cryptobusters hold a Q&A with their YouTube audience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this is the final chapter! Thanks so much to everyone who read this. It's been a wild time. And yes, there will be more Cryptostuck.

[Typically, after each episode of Cryptobusters airs, a short Q&A video about the episode is posted to their secondary YouTube channel, narusasushipper612. The username is a holdover from Dave’s old vlog, and he refuses to change it. The Q&A on Mothman begins the same way most do: with all four Cryptobusters sitting at a table.]

JOHN: hello, and welcome to another cryptobusters q&a, where we answer your questions about the latest episode!

ROSE: Last week’s episode raised perhaps the most intriguing questions we’ve ever gotten.

DAVE: nah the questions we got about the haunted crystal store were better

JADE: weren’t they all sockpuppets from the same person?

DAVE: thats beside the point

ROSE: In any case, our first question is from one “arsenicCatnip,” who says:

AC: :33< so are rose and meowthman dating now? i need to know this for reasons

[The Cryptobusters burst into laughter.]

JADE: you can just say “fanfic,” it’s okay!! if you’re writing a story where, i dunno, they have part-human part-caterpillar babies, i’ve seen weirder stuff!

JOHN: my favorite is still the one where i’m actually secretly a demon.

DAVE: why do yall read cryptobusters fanfiction

ROSE: Listen, Dave, we’re all naturally curious. We’ve all woken up at three in the morning, wondering whether our fans think we search for cryptids in order to woo them.

ROSE: But even if I were in a relationship with Kanaya, I would not make that information public.

DAVE: yall worry me sometimes

DAVE: anyway question 2 is from 

DAVE: oh dont make me read this guys name out loud

JADE: do it for the show!!!

DAVE: alright its from

[Dave sighs deeply.]

DAVE: centaurstesticle

[Another chorus of laughter from everyone but Dave.]

DAVE: he says uh

CT: D→ This was well e%ecuted, but it does raise questions about what other “famous” cryptids you will cover on this show. Mothman may be a legend native to West Virginia, but surely it (or she, as this one seems to prefer) isn’t known of nationwide.

DAVE: oh buddy you’re in for a big surprise

JADE: honestly, he kinda has a point. if he’s not, like, living on the internet…

ROSE: Then it is certainly harder to learn of Mothman’s fame, yes.

JOHN: but there is a moth man in the new fall out game. it’s not the same as kanaya, but the more popular, uh, edition of moth man is becoming more well known.

ROSE: And yes, we will eventually cover Bigfoot. Eventually.

JADE: our third question is from “arachnidsgrip,” who says:

AG: So when is the episode on spider people coming? I’ve been w8ing forever for that one!!!!!!!!

JOHN: well, do spider people really count as cryptids? i always thought they were a version of lizard people with less, like, anti-semitic baggage.

DAVE: nah man its more like

DAVE: theres people who can turn into spiders

DAVE: but theyre not taking over the world or whatever the fuck theyre just chillin and eatin flies

JADE: what, in the forbidden forest?

JADE: in order to find them, do we have to follow a trail of spiders?

ROSE: I wouldn’t doubt that Harry Potter infected the imaginations of at least a few locals.

JOHN: or gravity falls. remember that one episode?

JOHN: the way that lady pulled open her face still gives me the creeps.

JADE: i think it’s important to give context here. john hates spiders.

JOHN: okay, that’s fair, but i don’t actually believe that spider people could possibly exist.

DAVE: of course you dont


End file.
